“For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.” – Romans 14:17
Parenting is so much harder than I ever thought it would be. I was, in fact, woefully unprepared for the whirlwind that three boys and a little girl can create in a home. The chaos, the loud noises all the time, the physical requirements, the broken lamps (there have been many), cleaning up bodily fluids multiple times a day, weapons and sticks literally everywhere contributed to me feeling massively overwhelmed and overstimulated.
I felt stuck and disappointed, unsure of how to move towards the family culture I yearned for. I wish I could tell you there was an easy solution to get there. I had to decide that my family was worth the effort, work, time, sacrifice to get us there. My husband and I have read so many books, taken courses, listened to podcasts, spoken with trusted mentors, and worked very hard to move slowly towards the family culture we desire.
This last year, my husband and I took a very in depth parenting course that I highly recommend called Teaching Self-Government. I discovered Nicholeen Peck (the woman who runs the course) at The Great Homeschool Convention in Round Rock and loved what she shared about parenting and family culture. She invites families to cast vision for their entire family of how they want the tone (culture) of their home to feel and teaches parents how to use structure (skills, consequences, family meetings, etc.) to protect that tone and vision.
I created this Family Culture Wheel based on her teachings. The desired tone/culture goes into the middle of the blue circle. The structure protects the tone and is compiled of the methods you will use to create and protect the culture. Relationship and connection hold the structure into the tone. She gives the analogy of a wheel with spokes.
Family Culture Wheel
Free Family Culture Wheel Template: Customize the graphic above to reflect your family’s culture and structure.
My Family Culture: In the center of the wheel (blue circle), put words that describe your family culture. This can include your values, vision, beliefs, desired tone (how your home feels), etc. We selected things that our unique family embodies naturally and things we hope to cultivate as they grow up. Some examples might be: dedicated, respectful, athletic, healthy, loving, generous, trustworthy, etc.
Structure Elements: These are the methods that we have found are most effective in creating and keeping our family moving towards our desired culture. I will break down our structural elements so you can understand how we use them.
- Couple, Family, & Mentor Meetings: We aim to have one of these every week.
- Our couple meeting is usually on a Sunday afternoon and it’s a time where my husband and I will connect, discuss the coming week and any scheduling or financial needs that may arise, and discuss what we need to cover at our next family meeting.
- The family meeting is a short time where we gather all the kids and sing a worship song, pray, teach a skill that may be lacking, read from a manners book (we love 52 Modern Manners for Kids) or devotional (we like Indescribable: 100 Devotions for Kids About God and Science), or pre-teach an expectation that we realized needs to be addressed. One example is when we are gearing up for a new homeschool year, I will often go over what our new schedule will be so no one is surprised and knows what to expect.
- Mentor Meetings we hope to start soon but that is where you meet one on one with your kids to discuss and set goals with them in all aspects of their life: educational, spiritual, social, etc.
- Effective Praise & Consistent Consequences: It is really important to make sure that you are praising and encouraging your children so that they do not feel like they are only being corrected. I want my kids to know that I delight in them and I see their effort. This will be different things for each child. Some kids have no issue keeping their hands to themselves but for some children this is a massive effort. Catch them doing it and notice their effort to do so.
- Pre-teaching continuously: Pre-teaching is just giving alot of reminders of what is coming and what the expectations are. It is doing your best as a parent to see what might be tempting or difficult for your child and giving them the skills, language, practice they need to do the best they can. For example, you might be heading into a store that has toys and your child has a tendency to beg you for a toy every time you go. It would be great to pre-teach something like:
- “Hey, we are about to go into this store that has cool toys. I know that it is so hard to look at toys and not buy them but we will not be purchasing anything today. If you see something you really really want, I can take a picture of it and add it to your wishlist for the next time we are buying gifts. If you do not accept the no answer, we will need to leave the store.”
- Family Adventures: My family loves adventures whether that be traveling somewhere, going to a park we have never been to, going on a hike and exploring outside. This is a major way we connect and have fun.
- Prioritizing Calmness: This is such a hard one. One difficult lesson I have learned (and am still practicing) in my own parenting is to step away or stay quiet when I am not calm. No lessons will be learned from a parent who is not calm and alot of damage can be done. If your child is very escalated and about to hurt someone or damage property, then we need to prioritize their calmness (and safety) before anything else. Once they are regulated, make sure you are regulated too before addressing any issues.
- One on One Time: With four kids it is really difficult to get one on one time with them but I have noticed a big payoff with our connection when I am good at prioritizing this. We have gone through seasons of scheduling the time and seasons where we just take the time where we can get it. I have one child who loves to jump on the trampoline with me. When he asks, I try to say yes when I can because it is a quick dose of special time with mommy. If I am able, I will drive my kids to their classes or church by themselves so that I can have one on one conversation.
- Daily/Weekly Rhythm with Predictable Expectations: Daily rhythms are imperative to decreasing the overwhelm for everyone in the family. Even if you love being spontaneous, it is so helpful to have a routine to fall back on. You can read more about creating a daily rhythm in this blog post: Creating a Homeschool Rhythm that Sticks. I also always review the daily routine and expectations at our family meetings so that the kids know what to expect each day. I made a free daily rhythm template with pictures that is a great visual for kids as they are learning a new routine or need a reminder.
- Teaching Skills: In my opinion, this one of the most overlooked parenting tools. It is the simple practice of noticing where your kids are struggling, teaching them a skill they may be lacking to be successful in that area, and allowing them time to practice it with you in a low stress environment. For example, you may notice a negative behavior pattern of your kids throwing things when they get angry. During a family meeting or one on one time with your child, you can teach them what to do when they angry. Give them appropriate outlets: hit a pillow, rip a piece of paper, yell into a cup, run in place really fast. Validate how big the emotion can feel then let them practice getting it out safely. Other helpful skills to teach and practice are:
- introducting yourself
- how to apologize
- how to ask for forgiveness
- how to follow instructions
- listening with eye contact
These are the methods that we have found most helpful in our family’s growth. We do not do all of these all of the time, but if something is feeling off with a family member or our family’s connection, we will often use this culture wheel as an evaluation tool to see how we can best course correct. Often times, some dedicated one on one time with a child will create a turning point for them if they have been stuck in a negative pattern.
Do not let discouragement or disappointment stop you from your dedication to working towards the way you want your family to feel. We all want homes that feel loving, kind, connected, peaceful, and full of love for one another. It is easier said than done, but so worth the effort.
Be compassionate yourself as you are learning how to be the kind of parent that you want to be, but also don’t let yourself off the hook to the point where you stay stuck in a pattern that isn’t serving you or your family. It’s HIS kindness that leads us to repentance and conviction is a good thing. It points us to something new, something better. Bravo, for having the courage to persevere!
